Su-E

I saw my bf fall down every time in his life until now. He work very hard to get his dream…BUT he was falling down again n again. Every time I saw him fall, my feel damn pain in my heart. However, he is not the types that easily give up. Every time he falls, he will tell himself: “this is only a small challenge; I need to go over it to be success”. Then he will stand back up straight n chase towards his aim….

Do you ever think the words success is actually always accompany by billions of “falling down”, “sad”, and “disappointed”? Everything come in life is always in the opposite manner. For example when the sun rise the night is waiting, when u takes ecstasy pill to get euphoria, the depression is waiting, when u feel full the hungry is waiting and etc. This is the theory in life…to face the community we need to understand this in order to handle our life easily and positively.

My bf told me that we need to always think that “we are actually nothing and empty”. He said this because we need to be empty to be filled, in order to be better n better. Imagine we are a pail, if we are full with water, then we wont be filled anymore mean we will not be better.

Sometime I feel God kidding with my bf…..every time he start to feel secure and near his aim…there is sure something come across to block him and slow him down to achieve his aim…WHY? He suffer enough (everyday working inside a oven (room 40+^oC)), sleep only 5 hours per day, he become the boss, the operator, the backer, the staff, the driver of his company…..haha everything by himself…

I really feel sad when I saw him sad n disappointed (yesterday, he faced a new challenge, but I think he can go over it)…I don’t want anyone to hurt him, if u r his friends, let us pray for him…

我开始认不清我是谁了。也开始不认识镜子中的自己了….我发现人心是矛盾的。这是一种冲突，对立的状态。

冲突是因为“应该的我”与“实际上的我”并不一致。这让我感觉挣扎，内心充满着战争。

我阅读一本书，它教我如何看待我内心的矛盾。逃避？忘记？压抑？都不能让我看清自己。唯一的方法就是“面对”，找出矛盾，挣扎的本体才能认识问题的根源，然后以赤子之心来面对它。

只要在“应该怎样”与“实际上是怎样”之间作出分割，冲突便产生。我们会感到冲突是因为我们喜欢把“应该的我”和“实际上的我”作比较。这些都是我们因社会的形式而产生的结果…从小学父母，老师就已经无形中锻炼我们比来比去。这造成了一些字眼在我们生命中扮演着重要的角色~“好，更好，更多，等等”这种比较的心态就是冲突主要的原因。这时你因该会问“如果不比较，哪来进步？”试想想当我们一经比较我们就会产生负面的反应“妒嫉”，“暴力”，等等负面的反应来设法改变实事。当然其中也包括乐观的反应“积极”，“努力”, “奋斗”….然而你能确保你只拥有乐观的想法吗？当我们能够观察自己而不带比较，那便超越“比较”。这并不代表不进步而是认识自己的力量，利用自己本体的所有来让自己向前。

为什么有冲突，矛盾？你可否想过？

关键在于“欲望”。我常常要求太多….这导致我迷失自己（这些你都能够从我之前的blogs 看出）。“欲望”本身就是一种矛盾。就因为“它”让我感觉痛苦，挣扎，不是吗？我们时常想要得总是与事实相反。我在学习了解“欲望”的本质来克服我心灵上的矛盾…当然，“逃避”，“压抑”并不是最好的方法。你可曾试过当你对一件事不知所措时，你借用其他与它相对的东西来逃避或克制它？这些都是“欲望”所产生的…。你可能会想那个“其他”是否是一种“代替”还是你真正“想要的”…..这些都由你自己来选择。

我最近都在思考这些。我想学习看清自己…..也害怕被我阅读过，听闻过的理论深受影响。朋友，如果你发现我已迷失了自己，请你告诉我………….

tonight i feel really down…dunno why i feel like wana to cry.i want to shout ..AHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHH!!!!! i dun like this type of feeling. phoning me become ur responsibility already…nothing more than that, this i sense through ur conversation with me. standing beside also can feel lonely,u know? i know the problem arise from lack of communicate…心灵沟通.

i know that u are so busy…along this 5 years i saw u suffering in life…u suffer enuf from 1 country to another. so i dun wan to burden ur mind…by telling u what i feel..

take a break??? my friend told me this…ya i need rest n break…coz i fall sick in love. for me,take a break means leave every1 n everything.but im vry clear that i couldn’t do this, i cant leave u whn u need me most….

juz feel down……dear, if u r free only u come n read my blog, here i gt many things wan to tell u…

哭泣的小雨点